Past

Unforgettable childhood memories

For me, I didn't treasure my childhood memories that much but I do remember some of those moments. One thing that I remember so much is that ever since I was about 6 years old I was already playing computer games with my brother. My dad was well acquainted with computers and it's kind of needed because of his job, so my mom decided to buy a Hewlett Packard (hp) family computer. My brother and dad installed games and I started to use the computer as well. When I go to my preparatory school in qc, which is just on the other street of my mom's work office. Of course, before going to school, I just stay most of the time at my mom's work place. I even remember going to her boss's computer and play ms-dos games. I was that fond of the computer at that age. So I grew up playing in front of the computer and I see everyone amazed on how I easily understand on how to use it. Other than Microsoft office and games, I was never aware of using other softwares since I was not introduced to those kinds of things until I reached computer class in my first year high school. There were times too that I play too much that my parents are really mad for me being addicted to it. I have more to say about my parents but that's on the other segment of this blog. I just want to say that I became who I am now because of the environment I grew up into. I even tried to deviate from the norm of my habits but I still ended up here.

Family relations

My relationship with my family represents the two sides separated by a clear glass wall. I see them, they see me, but there's still that part that we can't reach each other. It's been like that ever since and I grew up getting used to it. In a relationship, it's a two way street, both sides should understand and communicate well with each other to work. In my perspective, with my family, it isn't. I've learned to be independent and learned so much through my experiences that my family doesn’t know much about me. My family always has been seeing my flaws and negatives about me that they didn't have the time to appreciate or to know the positives in me. I've been fighting with my mom most of the times and sometimes I just let her nag and say things that really hurt me because I'm already tired. Don't ever think I didn't tried to be close with her because like what I've said it's always been two way and I've tried to reach her but she won't let me, so it's been like this ever since. We make jokes sometimes but I've never been close to my family because I just use the computer to be my lightning rod and just be distracted with all of it. In short, I've grew tired of trying, I just ran away from it. It wasted all of my time and effort to trying to reason out and making them to understand me. I don't know if doing that means that I just understood and accepted my family as that or it's just me making up some reasons not to deal with them anymore. There is a relation on how I grew up beside a computer most of my time. It is because of my relationship with my family especially with my mom.  When I was in high school, I’ve been with good friends and I realized that I have to socialized more and start to discover where I'm good at. I tried asking my mom if I can join dance and basketball workshops also guitar lessons but she keeps rejecting all of it. I want to see myself what more that I can do besides being good at computer. I was having that point in my life that I don't want to just stick at this thing. I even tried to join Youth for Christ organization. . Miraculously I have forced my mom to accept but it didn't last long because I wasn't able to be active after a while since of the unsupportive of her for me to go at the meetings. There were clubs at school as well for those kinds of things but it requires extensions and more meetings that my mom always says that it's always been a bother for my parents because it is also them have to make time for my time. They were too overprotective of me. I understand that part but what I don't want to understand is that why they can't support me, the time that I needed their support.

Ever since then I've been stuck of what I know, where I'm good at and never did get that chance to discover myself even more. 

  

I have this complicated relationship with my family especially with my mom. My dad is better than my mom in terms of understanding but he's been under her rule so he can't do anything about my mom's decisions for the family. My sister's been close with my mom (housewife now) ever since she hasn't got a job yet and stays in the house. She's having same attitudes like my mom the longer she can't find a job. For me, I've been closest with my brother since he's always been so passive. If we get the chance to talk, we talk without deviating into a topic about my negatives and that's good enough for me. It's hard to be with my family without them judging me all the time :/  There is too much to say but it requires much time of thinking and writing to say all I want to share.

Relationship with friends as a child

I didn't have the chance to have friends in our neighborhood so I usually have met my friends in school. I was a dead kid or so they call it in which I don't have permanent friends in grade school days. After preparatory school, I was transferred into an exclusive school for girls. In that point in time I don't know how to make friends and just go with different people in the school. As I grow up, I have realized that they are divided in groups that I don't know where I belong to. I graduated in grade school, I didn't knew who were my true friends are and by then I told myself I have to change who I am. I want to be that person who can adapt to people's wants and attitude. I also went through the stage that I even treat my school mates for lunch just to win them over. I've been that person who goes with the flow, flexible and understandable. People have accepted me because of the change I made to myself. I transitioned to be a very open and friendly person that people have come to like me for who I am, in what they call it a bit 'popular'. There are those people who judged me too but I didn't let them get into me because I have discovered my true friends were. At the last year of my high school, I had my first barkada and we consist of 12 people. However, two people in our barkada we were having problems with ever since but we got used to it and just passed through the time just talking about them or laugh about it instead 'together'. Then, college took over... :P 

School history

I took nursery; the school near our house in San Mateo named Guardian Angel. My mother was working in Quezon City and there was a good school near it so she let me study there for preparatory so I it would be easier for her to fetch me. St. Mary's college was at the Mother Ignatia street, Quezon City. Furthermore, my mom planned to have an early retirement from her job and let me transferred to the same school as my sister, which is St. Scholastica's Academy of Marikina. I studied there until I graduated from high school. Moreover, I tried applying for UP, CSB, DLSU, Miriam College, and my dream school which is Ateneo. I passed my CSB, DLSU, and Miriam entrance exams so I decided to picked La salle and pursued Computer Science. I was culture shocked and didn't recover for a lot of terms so I kind of failed some subjects in which it was the first time of my life to fail. My college years are very life changing for me and I learned a lot from it. I kind of wasted almost 3 years of my life trying to survive at my course that I didn't realized that I'm killing my career slowly. I can't take the pressure because of my very strict mom, the location of my house, difficulty of the course and many factors in my life that have distracted or prevented me to study harder. Many things have happened and I was forced to transfer to Benilde and took an art course instead of a BS course. I started to think through about what I am passionate about. I think CSB was God's plan for me, I'm seeing how things change because of it.

Love life

Before, when I love someone, I really gave my whole heart to that person but not one ever did turned out that good, that is why they didn't made it into my present. However, every person that I love, I always learn something and it made me grew into a better person. It changed things in my life. I didn't get into any relationships yet because the situation that always happens in me is that 'there are people who have loved me but I didn't love them back and the people I have loved who they didn't love me back'. Well my friends always say it's just wasn't the right one. I don't know if I'm just too choosy or they were just right. However, for me, the times when I love, my grades always went down, so I think, it would be better if I just not focus on my love life yet. I don't want any distractions again. There is a part in me too that because of the things that happened in my life I have always been avoiding to love again or any chance of love and I run away from my emotions. It's like I am already traumatized of being hurt again. I don't know how to deal with it again; I want to be happy without anything to worry about yet. Moreover, I really agree that girls tend to love so much and that's what I hate about it. There are some people that will toy with your emotions and use your kindness so we should always leave something for ourselves. Nonetheless, experiences in love gives us more wisdom and makes us stronger so I have no regrets in all that happened, just moving forward.